Worst thing ever: Blowing off a date

Maybe some people get through life without ever causing anyone (apart from their parents) serious inconvenience or disappointment. But I think it's safe to say that most don't. I have tried very hard to be in the first category, but as a one-term president of a student group and perpetual single lady, I have "failed" countless times. I just wish there were a funny picture with a netspeak caption for each time.

Yes, put simply, I suck as much as the most disappointing person you know.

With each failure I tell myself that I can sink no further. But the very next time I'm given the chance to screw up, I do! So I fear that the world will stop giving me chances to find success in love or what have you. Especially if I've done something particularly egregious.

Remember how excited I was about online dating in my last post? Well, today I blew off one of those prospectives. This particular creature was one I was looking forward to seeing all week; he's a witty cartoonist whom I've spent considerable time creeping on the internet.
I slept through my alarm and missed our coffee date by 5 hours. I checked my phone and saw he texted me, "So, about coffee. I'm assuming you didn't mean 8 in the morning..."
I nearly died.
I'm trying to deal with the situation by leaving him super apologetic texts and an IM. I would have called him, but it was 2AM. I'll call him during the day when there's a better chance he'll answer his phone. I just hope he forgives me.

I really want to reschedule, but it's possible that he won't want to spend time on me ever again. For that I'm somewhat thankful that we don't have mutual contacts and that we never actually met before, but it doesn't override the immense regret I feel for standing him up. Gaahhh. I guess there will be another chance with another boy. But dang.

Keep moving forward, I guess.


UPDATE:
He was really nice about it and we went out again the following week! Of course, I paid for his drink :)

Ever feel short of "awesome"?

I try to keep deeply personal topics off blogs, but I so yearn to connect with other people who feel this way that I'll post regardless.

My problem: I'm really really shy about saying or doing anything stupid. I'm scared to the point where I don't want to publish any of my writing and tend to shy away from criticism whenever I might get it meaningfully. I'm not super shy--I speak out in at least one of my classes once a day--but I can grow so much more if I become more open with the world. My inhibitions are what I resent the most when I look at my present situation and wonder what I should have done differently along the way to be cooler, smarter, more popular, on the better track to 'success,' whatever that is.

Perhaps this stems from not being comfortable with myself. I've struggled to believe anyone could appreciate me as a friend, girlfriend, student, anything. I didn't apply to any schools outside Minnesota because I doubted myself. I didn't try harder in school because I was afraid of looking like I 'tried too hard.' I wanted to show everyone I was one of those genius kids who excel effortlessly.

Now, I'm starting to realize there is no genius without willing effort somewhere along the way. I struggle with finding the niche where effort isn't an obstacle--just the stepping stone to excelling in something I love.

Maybe I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Maybe I'll never be independently wealthy, change someone's life... Maybe I should give up.

Or do I try harder? Do I bust my ass EVERY TIME to get an A on every assignment? Suppress my sloth? There's always a moment where I give up and say "eh, fuck it. turn it in half-finished. Stop studying." Is that the moment where I have another 20% left to go?

They say happiness lies within. I can't get anywhere without knowing that I'll be fine, okay, wonderful, as perfect as I need to be no matter what. I hate sticking my neck out because I've been burned so many times. I know in my mind that people have loved and continue to love me. I just don't feel it with my heart. I can't touch their love. Their love is just words and assurances that hang in the air. That makes stronger case for finding inner happiness on my own.

I want to be open. I want to learn and grow and get the hell out of Minnesota. I want to conquer the world, find my passions and live.

I have no idea where to start.