Where am I?

At the beginning of this year, I started dating Jake.

As I would with any man I spend energy on, I want you to be impressed with him and will gloss over any quality that could betray character flaws so as to falsely elevate your esteem of me. To avoid listing all his achievements, suffice it to say he is as attractive, intelligent, and nice as possible.

The problem was that Jake could only hold my attention for 2 hours at a time. With Perfection being as boring as it was, we were destined to never make it to the state of Official Relationship. Yet I let it hiss and putter along for 6 months before asking to be let out. I've been stranded at the same spot ever since while he finished the trip with another gal.

Fuck. And this is the fourth time in a row.

It's not that I'm jealous--I'd never take back those dull dates of flickering conversation. Yeah, of course it was my fault they were as boring as they were--I didn't know how to invest in people, how to make them come alive in coversation, how to probe for information and reconstruct my world view into something more rich than it was before. I was an empty board with a fiercly flashy but uncomplicated installment of liberal arts college-brand communist circuitry.

My mother came back from India to prod me into getting a sales job at a bank so I can start going somewhere again.

Now, I'm not a passenger in a car with a failing engine. Actually, I just bought a Toyota Corolla in August--the same month I started my job. I'm learning how to drive. I'm constantly getting lost and finding my way. My ego is humbled. I'm not complaining about the view, the direction, or the speed. I'm just trying to figure out how to go.

Blog for one or blog for all?

Browsing other blogs on the 20sb network--and being unimpressed by some of them--got me thinking:

Should I blog for myself--as I largely have been--or should I blog for a community that has yet to take shape?

I DO NOT BLOG TO GET READERS--rather, I envision being in constant discussion with other curious, serious people and that's what I feel I haven't yet achieved. The purpose of this blog was to connect with other bloggers, but I'm really struggling with making that happen for a few reasons.

1. Bloggers are self-centered. They live for comments and self-validation but don't like to spend a lot of time giving shape to other bloggers' muck by way of feedback. I started this blog determined to be different, but networking with other bloggers can be tiresome until you've honed in on the few with common interests. I've found a few blogs that I genuinely enjoy reading--on these I comment and express genuine adoration. But they are operated by people who either get too many readers to care about connecting with me or have completely different subject interests.

2. My blog is boring. I don't mean that to provoke self-validating comments--trust me, I don't need to feel any more special than I already do. But I don't have any clear "hook" that would bring people back here unless they know me. I think my lack of readers comes from a lack of focus for the blog as a whole. I started off wanting to talk about politics a ton more, but I've been gravitating to personal issues because that's my main worry in life right now. Which brings me to my third point...

3. Personal issues are difficult for unknown bloggers to muster up a following around unless they're REALLY niche and resonate with readers in the same position--like abuse or weight-loss. I'm in a community of 20 somethings struggling with the same issues, but we all have extremely different ways of approaching our identity issues. It's staggeringly difficult to build a community around an issue as vague as launching into adulthood.


The only way I can make this blog do what I want it to do is if I unapologetically be myself. I have to blog for myself and risk boring everyone who doesn't know me so that I can at least find my voice. That will eventually help me find what I want to discover about the world. So to all bloggers who feel guilty about being self-centered, boring, or are wallowing in self-pity for not having followers: fuck it. You're here for yourself. This is your space to stutter and drone until you sing with a clear voice. Don't worry about the rest--just let it happen.

The Ex Spector

From time to time I find myself drifting into comparing the people I date with my exes. I think about how much better my new guy is for me than the last one was, how I wish new guy would have such-and-such quality that the ex had etc. It gets me stuck in a rut and I miss out on enjoying the person for who they are.

It's hard to escape it, especially if my date and I are with a group of friends who knew my ex and harp on how much they miss him. Yes, that happened, and I'm ashamed that I started it. But this is something I can fix quickly since I never had strong feelings for my ex.

According to this article the remedy is to live in the present instead of the past. The article outlines three "personalities" --Ladies X, Y and Z--who bring up their exes in various capacities; they either talk about his charms, his flaws, or just mindlessly allude to their moments together to fill gaps in the conversation. At different moments I have committed all three errors. Thinking about my ex and constantly comparing--even trying to become--my date's ex are products of not living in the present; they are attempts to live through the lens of my past

Living in the NOW is an integral part of getting through a quarter life crisis. It's a way of life that can give me direction professionally and personally. For an example:

He told me that he loves my passion for what I am studying. The truth is that while I'm passionate about Marxism and equality I'm also going through a phase where I'm finding out that I haven't been working very hard or productively for these causes, and I may not want to. I guess it is important for him to believe that no matter what I do, I'll be passionate and feel good about doing it. I no longer need to find myself, but I need to blaze my trail bit by bit every day. And I'm struggling very much with getting started. I don't think good intentions are enough to keep a guy as great as he is.

My solution is to live in the present moment, figure out the experiences I need right now and start blazing that trail. I'll have to work my ass off to make sure everything will come together. But if I do it right...hey, maybe it will.

Bloggerstock: Stop the world--I want to get on/off

But first, a message from Dapper Daisy:
It's bloggerstock--where bloggers respond to a bloggerstock prompt and have their posts hosted on another blogger's site. Big thanks to Tazim for the following post. You can check out my post on Booya's wall at www.booyabobby.com. Enjoy!
________________________________________________

Hello Dapper Daisy readers! This is Tazim from the Being Tazim blog - about art, home décor, and handmade products. I am here today to share with you my Bloggerstock post.

"Stop the world, I want to get on/off"



Have you ever had a moment where you realized that you just want the world to stop? Maybe it was because you realized you were missing something, or maybe it was because you just wanted a minute to breathe. Tell us about a moment like this that you had.

What would this be like - Quantum Leap, where the 'real' person Sam leaps into is transported elsewhere for a certain amount of time - their world, essentially stopping momentarily? Or like the holodeck on Star Trek - where one goes inside to escape their real life and can easily step back in to it again, when they're done adventuring?

Leaving Canada for a year exchange in New Zealand felt a bit like being transported to a whole different world. If only the exploration could have lasted longer without taking out any more time from my life. Think about the possibilities = what would YOU do if you could make things stop for a moment?

While in New Zealand I lived differently because of financial barriers - but this wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I spent a lot of time catching up on old tv shows and movies that I'd missed in the last 5 years of not having a tv/cable. University life had been so hectic, coupled with having to work part time as well - but in New Zealand I couldn't work (legally) and classes were much more laid-back. Was this what I needed? Was I missing peace and relaxation? Maybe I needed to step away from My Home and Native Land to really appreciate it, too. Being in New Zealand made me realize how much I want to just travel in my life, and explore, and try new things. It made me realise that university life/ academia just isn't for me.

 
You can read the guest post on my own blog, written by Anna from http://aheartforall.blogspot.com/, right here.

Productivity: My life.

It's funny when one little image makes you realize how lame you are.

The discipline of being

Given to act only when I have that urgent visceral compulsion to meet a deadline, I don't consider myself a hard worker. I'm laid back and don't really stress myself unless and until I REALLY need to.

As a college senior with two majors and occasionally a job, this is problematic.

I'm starting to realize that it takes a habit of discipline to accomplish anything, be it homework or a blog post. I'm letting deadlines, assignments, and other opportunities to improve and prove myself to the job market slip through my fingers. This ain't good, folks.

So I present to you, imaginary reader, my plan for task management and self discipline. Both are important and related in my quest for greatness. I don't think it's necessary to schedule every hour of the day, but proper planning can take you a long way.

1.) Prioritize

Some brilliant soul came up with this great hierarchy to prioritize tasks.
a.) Deadline is soon and importance high
b.) Importance is low but deadline is soon
c.) Importance is high but deadline is later
d.) Importance low and deadline is later

2.) Deadlines

I've also resolved to set deadlines FOR EVERYTHING. And to never miss one. Ever. In practice, this will be difficult, but life is too short to push back deadlines...because that just makes you push back other deadlines.


3.) Involving friends

This undertaking is something I cannot do alone. I will need friends to help keep me accountable. That's why I have this blog. I'm finding that I take goals more seriously when I share them with other people because the next time I see them they'll be like, "Oh, did you finally apply for/do/kick ass in____?" And it makes for an awkward situation when I say "no," especially when the other person is someone I particularly care to leave a good impression with.


I'm going to have to track my progress with homework and personal deadlines, and not every checklist will make for an interesting blog. So I'll keep a task manager for me to look at personally and share my progress maybe every couple of weeks. I know I don't have any readers here yet, but when I do, won't you please share some task management tips with me?

Yes, *rubs hands* this shall come along nicely.

Ever feel short of "awesome"?

I try to keep deeply personal topics off blogs, but I so yearn to connect with other people who feel this way that I'll post regardless.

My problem: I'm really really shy about saying or doing anything stupid. I'm scared to the point where I don't want to publish any of my writing and tend to shy away from criticism whenever I might get it meaningfully. I'm not super shy--I speak out in at least one of my classes once a day--but I can grow so much more if I become more open with the world. My inhibitions are what I resent the most when I look at my present situation and wonder what I should have done differently along the way to be cooler, smarter, more popular, on the better track to 'success,' whatever that is.

Perhaps this stems from not being comfortable with myself. I've struggled to believe anyone could appreciate me as a friend, girlfriend, student, anything. I didn't apply to any schools outside Minnesota because I doubted myself. I didn't try harder in school because I was afraid of looking like I 'tried too hard.' I wanted to show everyone I was one of those genius kids who excel effortlessly.

Now, I'm starting to realize there is no genius without willing effort somewhere along the way. I struggle with finding the niche where effort isn't an obstacle--just the stepping stone to excelling in something I love.

Maybe I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Maybe I'll never be independently wealthy, change someone's life... Maybe I should give up.

Or do I try harder? Do I bust my ass EVERY TIME to get an A on every assignment? Suppress my sloth? There's always a moment where I give up and say "eh, fuck it. turn it in half-finished. Stop studying." Is that the moment where I have another 20% left to go?

They say happiness lies within. I can't get anywhere without knowing that I'll be fine, okay, wonderful, as perfect as I need to be no matter what. I hate sticking my neck out because I've been burned so many times. I know in my mind that people have loved and continue to love me. I just don't feel it with my heart. I can't touch their love. Their love is just words and assurances that hang in the air. That makes stronger case for finding inner happiness on my own.

I want to be open. I want to learn and grow and get the hell out of Minnesota. I want to conquer the world, find my passions and live.

I have no idea where to start.