Ever feel short of "awesome"?

I try to keep deeply personal topics off blogs, but I so yearn to connect with other people who feel this way that I'll post regardless.

My problem: I'm really really shy about saying or doing anything stupid. I'm scared to the point where I don't want to publish any of my writing and tend to shy away from criticism whenever I might get it meaningfully. I'm not super shy--I speak out in at least one of my classes once a day--but I can grow so much more if I become more open with the world. My inhibitions are what I resent the most when I look at my present situation and wonder what I should have done differently along the way to be cooler, smarter, more popular, on the better track to 'success,' whatever that is.

Perhaps this stems from not being comfortable with myself. I've struggled to believe anyone could appreciate me as a friend, girlfriend, student, anything. I didn't apply to any schools outside Minnesota because I doubted myself. I didn't try harder in school because I was afraid of looking like I 'tried too hard.' I wanted to show everyone I was one of those genius kids who excel effortlessly.

Now, I'm starting to realize there is no genius without willing effort somewhere along the way. I struggle with finding the niche where effort isn't an obstacle--just the stepping stone to excelling in something I love.

Maybe I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Maybe I'll never be independently wealthy, change someone's life... Maybe I should give up.

Or do I try harder? Do I bust my ass EVERY TIME to get an A on every assignment? Suppress my sloth? There's always a moment where I give up and say "eh, fuck it. turn it in half-finished. Stop studying." Is that the moment where I have another 20% left to go?

They say happiness lies within. I can't get anywhere without knowing that I'll be fine, okay, wonderful, as perfect as I need to be no matter what. I hate sticking my neck out because I've been burned so many times. I know in my mind that people have loved and continue to love me. I just don't feel it with my heart. I can't touch their love. Their love is just words and assurances that hang in the air. That makes stronger case for finding inner happiness on my own.

I want to be open. I want to learn and grow and get the hell out of Minnesota. I want to conquer the world, find my passions and live.

I have no idea where to start.

Humanity

I consider this post a pretty unsound piece of writing, but it reflects the world as I see it in the most general terms. This is part of why I'm starting to lose faith in activism. We have to burn this mother down. The only way to move forward is via destruction.

Due to it's ubiquity in the news, the BP oil rig explosion and recent developments in the Bhopal Disaster set me off to thinking about doomsday scenarios and the value of mankind. I know meditations on karma are cliche, but I really have to sort this out for myself.

Karma makes sense on a large-scale level. Everything that has ever been said or done has extremely far-reaching effects, and there have been enough books and movies made (Butterfly Effect...and others) to illustrate this. But our impact on the environment--which has been summarily awful--is pinching us in the butt. Birth defects, cancer and obesity are all making our brains and/or bodies slower, simpler. Diseases are killing us off in huge numbers.

Earth pushing back. Nature's tendency for equilibrium. Homeostasis. Whatever you want to call it, you know it's happening.

Development is a fucking disease so humans (rather, we. I keep forgetting to include myself in this) have to be wiped out or slowed down. We have caused most of the shit that's killing us and the rest of the planet. We need to reduce consumption, and the only way that will ever happen is if we reduce our numbers. The only thing that is being rewarded in the dominant culture is maximization of profits.

I don't want to fight against cancer. I don't want to fight against anything that slows the 'developed' world down. This "fight" --this battle against the plagues of humanity--is not equal. The people least damaging to the world are being killed off at a greater rate than those who should be stopped. It's a disgusting but true fact.

Activists and Marxists understand that a lot is at stake, and with each political defeat of the left the world is moving faster to a globalized, capitalist disaster. Humanity will forever change the face of the earth.

Rather than work to reverse or slow down this trend, I see myself working to make amends with the world. I see myself working to humanize capitalism, help people whenever I can, and raise a family. Working for the private sector is okay if I don't compromise on my morals. Right now, the only thing I refuse to do in my corporate career is directly stand in the way of unions and their bargaining rights and be complicit with unethical decisions.

I can no longer refuse to be a cog in the machine. But I can still refuse to be an unthinking, depoliticized cog in the machine.