The Ex Spector

From time to time I find myself drifting into comparing the people I date with my exes. I think about how much better my new guy is for me than the last one was, how I wish new guy would have such-and-such quality that the ex had etc. It gets me stuck in a rut and I miss out on enjoying the person for who they are.

It's hard to escape it, especially if my date and I are with a group of friends who knew my ex and harp on how much they miss him. Yes, that happened, and I'm ashamed that I started it. But this is something I can fix quickly since I never had strong feelings for my ex.

According to this article the remedy is to live in the present instead of the past. The article outlines three "personalities" --Ladies X, Y and Z--who bring up their exes in various capacities; they either talk about his charms, his flaws, or just mindlessly allude to their moments together to fill gaps in the conversation. At different moments I have committed all three errors. Thinking about my ex and constantly comparing--even trying to become--my date's ex are products of not living in the present; they are attempts to live through the lens of my past

Living in the NOW is an integral part of getting through a quarter life crisis. It's a way of life that can give me direction professionally and personally. For an example:

He told me that he loves my passion for what I am studying. The truth is that while I'm passionate about Marxism and equality I'm also going through a phase where I'm finding out that I haven't been working very hard or productively for these causes, and I may not want to. I guess it is important for him to believe that no matter what I do, I'll be passionate and feel good about doing it. I no longer need to find myself, but I need to blaze my trail bit by bit every day. And I'm struggling very much with getting started. I don't think good intentions are enough to keep a guy as great as he is.

My solution is to live in the present moment, figure out the experiences I need right now and start blazing that trail. I'll have to work my ass off to make sure everything will come together. But if I do it right...hey, maybe it will.