I'm doing it! Online dating with sincerity!
I'm on OkCupid.com and so far have played psychiatrist to most of my admirers. They've ranged from horny 40 year-olds to eccentric 20-somethings with lots of baggage--one had a kid and a pending divorce AND a dying mom. yikes. I'm not really finding anyone I'm interested in, though...
Ok, there was one--an adorable half-desi geologist with beautiful eyes. But he won't message me back. I'm not used to dealing with blatantly uninterested men anymore, so I take rejection a lot more harshly than I probably should. At the same time, I feel like the impetus to be more critical might help me be a better person overall. *Sigh* One date, you silly boy, one date!
Oooh, I'm REALLY digging this song by Humble the Poet. I'm not one to fan the forest fire of Punjabi pride, but the sweet hook and anti-partition message has me feeling super bad-ass and political. He seems to be rapping about how he hates being fitted with the blanket classification of "Indian" given the fact that he culturally identifies with people on both sides of the Indo-Pak border. I can get behind his frustrations with that identity also because even Punjab-centric Bollywood tends to marginalize Sikhs. Still, I hate how narrow-minded regional pride can feel.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Ever feel short of "awesome"?
I try to keep deeply personal topics off blogs, but I so yearn to connect with other people who feel this way that I'll post regardless.
My problem: I'm really really shy about saying or doing anything stupid. I'm scared to the point where I don't want to publish any of my writing and tend to shy away from criticism whenever I might get it meaningfully. I'm not super shy--I speak out in at least one of my classes once a day--but I can grow so much more if I become more open with the world. My inhibitions are what I resent the most when I look at my present situation and wonder what I should have done differently along the way to be cooler, smarter, more popular, on the better track to 'success,' whatever that is.
Perhaps this stems from not being comfortable with myself. I've struggled to believe anyone could appreciate me as a friend, girlfriend, student, anything. I didn't apply to any schools outside Minnesota because I doubted myself. I didn't try harder in school because I was afraid of looking like I 'tried too hard.' I wanted to show everyone I was one of those genius kids who excel effortlessly.
Now, I'm starting to realize there is no genius without willing effort somewhere along the way. I struggle with finding the niche where effort isn't an obstacle--just the stepping stone to excelling in something I love.
Maybe I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Maybe I'll never be independently wealthy, change someone's life... Maybe I should give up.
Or do I try harder? Do I bust my ass EVERY TIME to get an A on every assignment? Suppress my sloth? There's always a moment where I give up and say "eh, fuck it. turn it in half-finished. Stop studying." Is that the moment where I have another 20% left to go?
They say happiness lies within. I can't get anywhere without knowing that I'll be fine, okay, wonderful, as perfect as I need to be no matter what. I hate sticking my neck out because I've been burned so many times. I know in my mind that people have loved and continue to love me. I just don't feel it with my heart. I can't touch their love. Their love is just words and assurances that hang in the air. That makes stronger case for finding inner happiness on my own.
I want to be open. I want to learn and grow and get the hell out of Minnesota. I want to conquer the world, find my passions and live.
I have no idea where to start.
My problem: I'm really really shy about saying or doing anything stupid. I'm scared to the point where I don't want to publish any of my writing and tend to shy away from criticism whenever I might get it meaningfully. I'm not super shy--I speak out in at least one of my classes once a day--but I can grow so much more if I become more open with the world. My inhibitions are what I resent the most when I look at my present situation and wonder what I should have done differently along the way to be cooler, smarter, more popular, on the better track to 'success,' whatever that is.
Perhaps this stems from not being comfortable with myself. I've struggled to believe anyone could appreciate me as a friend, girlfriend, student, anything. I didn't apply to any schools outside Minnesota because I doubted myself. I didn't try harder in school because I was afraid of looking like I 'tried too hard.' I wanted to show everyone I was one of those genius kids who excel effortlessly.
Now, I'm starting to realize there is no genius without willing effort somewhere along the way. I struggle with finding the niche where effort isn't an obstacle--just the stepping stone to excelling in something I love.
Maybe I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Maybe I'll never be independently wealthy, change someone's life... Maybe I should give up.
Or do I try harder? Do I bust my ass EVERY TIME to get an A on every assignment? Suppress my sloth? There's always a moment where I give up and say "eh, fuck it. turn it in half-finished. Stop studying." Is that the moment where I have another 20% left to go?
They say happiness lies within. I can't get anywhere without knowing that I'll be fine, okay, wonderful, as perfect as I need to be no matter what. I hate sticking my neck out because I've been burned so many times. I know in my mind that people have loved and continue to love me. I just don't feel it with my heart. I can't touch their love. Their love is just words and assurances that hang in the air. That makes stronger case for finding inner happiness on my own.
I want to be open. I want to learn and grow and get the hell out of Minnesota. I want to conquer the world, find my passions and live.
I have no idea where to start.
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