Where am I?

At the beginning of this year, I started dating Jake.

As I would with any man I spend energy on, I want you to be impressed with him and will gloss over any quality that could betray character flaws so as to falsely elevate your esteem of me. To avoid listing all his achievements, suffice it to say he is as attractive, intelligent, and nice as possible.

The problem was that Jake could only hold my attention for 2 hours at a time. With Perfection being as boring as it was, we were destined to never make it to the state of Official Relationship. Yet I let it hiss and putter along for 6 months before asking to be let out. I've been stranded at the same spot ever since while he finished the trip with another gal.

Fuck. And this is the fourth time in a row.

It's not that I'm jealous--I'd never take back those dull dates of flickering conversation. Yeah, of course it was my fault they were as boring as they were--I didn't know how to invest in people, how to make them come alive in coversation, how to probe for information and reconstruct my world view into something more rich than it was before. I was an empty board with a fiercly flashy but uncomplicated installment of liberal arts college-brand communist circuitry.

My mother came back from India to prod me into getting a sales job at a bank so I can start going somewhere again.

Now, I'm not a passenger in a car with a failing engine. Actually, I just bought a Toyota Corolla in August--the same month I started my job. I'm learning how to drive. I'm constantly getting lost and finding my way. My ego is humbled. I'm not complaining about the view, the direction, or the speed. I'm just trying to figure out how to go.